Shame

The three that have followed me all my life—

love that haunts me fear that stalks me and shame—

shame that sits waiting brooding in the musty cupboard, beneath the carpeted stairs under the crumpled sheets—

a hot little demon hot like a squirming, rancid nest of mice a black and sweating dream or a serpent, sinister and silent cold and cadaverous a dark jester, smirking wickedly at my garb of goodness my cloak of compassion my veil of virtue he knows my secrets you think yourself such a good person, don’t you devout, brimming with empathy I know your silky lies, your manipulations how you can weasel out of things with sweet words and tears masking your vile thoughts, fragments of hatred obsessive lusts petty jealousies you fool— full of egotism and self-pity among the lovely blossoms, I glimpse your vulgar weeds of vanity like a physician, I scrutinize your malignancies buried beneath your skin, smooth and chaste he hides in dank corners, waiting to ambush my righteousness, my pride as life flows broadly with love feeling whole and joyous and things are becoming big and grand and only nice words are being said and everyone adores me, and I adore everyone and there is only gratitude and generosity and the world is vast and beautiful then—

like a wet worm in a hole writhing his foul little face emerges from the sick and sour soil tripping me, shocking me dragging me down to the filth the dirt and profanity to the crudeness of my origin humble yourself don’t get so high on beauty art, ideas, goodwill, peace on earth lest you forget the alchemy of your humanity you may resemble the gods pursue purity, turn your face toward the light pray and profess but he knows the truth – you are intermingled with darkness, with sin brewed with the black and monstrous earth the child of corruption, of viciousness,

of the sneering and savage beast.